Estranged love, how I have longed for you and yet rationed you, as if to sanction my soul cutting the circulation off in my heart. this is a big layer for me, if not the biggest, learning to love without fear. I have always used the word selfish with reverence, because in its truth, you must give to self firstly before understanding how to give to others. This is how I viewed love and so I did my best at loving myself, but honestly I was also very self critical, which made my love at times conditional.

During the weekdays at the ashram a scholarly humble man holds spiritual discussions amongst his guests, a few days ago he spoke of prayer, he said that prayer, love and life all come together and they are one in the same. He says Prayer is a state of being, It occurs when we receive divinity into our bodies and share it with our brothers and sisters. It doesn’t end. So in essence every day we are alive we are a living prayer.

In the past weeks I have been reacquainting myself with meditation/prayer. I have since recognized the larger presence in the room and in my heart. It is a familiar feeling, there is a sense of ease and enormity at the same time, I have been referring to this as the divine, it is a part of me and yet on its own. This feeling is familiar because it has been with me my entire life, gracefully in the background, patiently watching me grow and evolve. It has provided me with guidance at every turn asking nothing in return. I have now removed the veil from my eyes and have acknowledged this divine sweetness, I feel that this is where my love begins and ends. I have such faith and trust in this love that it will never leave me or hurt me that I can finally let go of the fear. This is the most precious gift that I could have given myself, it brings tears of joy to my baby blues. I feel like I have found my best friend and my soul mate, I will never feel alone again. After coming to this place I found myself thinking where will I find the space fit more love into this little vessel I call my bod? Then I looked to my left and to my right at people whom I have only known for several weeks and I saw the familiar twinkle of divinity in their eyes and it became clear to me that we are put together in this format to help to expand one another. Through the grace of our own essence and our relationship with the divine we expose each other to so many different versions and flavors, tints, tones and shades of this brilliance. We truly are living prayers.

A few nights ago I found myself thinking about the minutia that I am going to return to post pilgrimage and within hours I was covered from head to toe in a rash, after fretting I heard my friend tell me everything was going to be okay, and so I surrendered. I realize that despite my diligent planning skills that all I can do is prepare to let go.

Today after witnessing some of the oldest rituals, coincidently performed by women, I was left feeling faint and as if my body was going to crack due to the spirit that was trying to come out. I was truly ill and silently wishing that we would have to return to the ashram, then I remembered my friend, so I simply asked for a miracle to help me. I let go and a wave of excitement went through me because I was looking forward to my miracle. The next stop we made was to an all girls school. I walked in and flopped myself on the floor and dozens of brown eyes looked up at me, I reached my hands out and before I knew it I was up dancing and sweating and my miracle was unfolding before me. I was completely grounded again and had no trace of illness in my body. Ever since this moment I have had this estranged feeling pumping through my veins, like I could just break out in song and dance at any given moment, what is this… I feel… happy.

I am nearing the departure date from the ashram and as I reflect on this place I realize that we will always be connected because it provided me the space and time to reconstruct the other half of my soul. While I walked the dirt paths here I created heartfelt pathways of my own toward my sacred truth. It has been the physical constant construct for me while I was under spiritual renovation. I know that I have laid the foundation from which I will continue to build upon, and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I am on solid ground. Thank you Shantiivanam, Brother Martin, Russil and Asha Paul for your kindness and genuine care and attention for igniting this spiritual revolution in not just me but anyone who is searching. Namaste.

Frank

My freedom love quest first takes me through the darkness, a place I have spent much time wading in and simultaneously trying to avoid. The inescapable abyss of despair, the dank darkness that abodes sorrow and stagnation. It is this darkness that in the beginning I flirted with and then swept under the carpet only for it to resurface again. It is admittedly where I have been lost amidst for the last several years of my life. It has made feel like I would never truly be able to embrace the light. Until now.

The word Krishna means divine dark recessed depth, it also means to draw to itself, as if to coax or lure the soul to go deeper on its path for actualization and enlightenment. The Hindu temples are built to illustrate the layers of the soul, the outer regions cover the most ground and then deeper into the temple with thousand year old stone beneath your bare feet, the air changes and becomes thicker, the light disappears, the sound echoes into itself, it is dank, deep and dark. All of this leading to the center where after peeling back all of its layers there is light, there is the deity dressed in flowers and bathed in coconut milk, and there you leave a piece of yourself with it and restoration unfolds.

Darkness drenched in light. I shall forever honor the darkness for what it is, the path to the light. I have climbed hundreds of steps and with every thump of my bones against the stone steps, every ounce of sweat and pound of my heart I repeated the same words over and over, I will get out of my own way. I chanted and I changed. I recirculated the flow of the darkness that has been stagnate for so long. I am not afraid of the dark any more.

I have touched places and witnessed rituals that most people will never be able to see, I have ventured through chambers of architecture constructed thousands of years ago which intuitively mirror the chambers of my heart and soul. I have seen hundreds of welcoming smiles and light filled eyes honored to share their heritage and peace with me. I have had dozens of hands reaching for my pale skin as if to try and feel my spirit. I feel blessed, embraced, stripped, humbled and most of all saved.

Thank you India.

Frankie

I am exactly at the middle of my trip in India. I have not posted thus far for several reasons but mainly because I have not been ready until now.

Inner peace cannot exist if there are boundaries within the heart. These words were gifted to me today which served as the fine tip to my ink pen which I have been writing from. 2 weeks ago it began as my exploration of fear pointing to the blocks that were preventing me from moving forward. I know I am not the only person seeking truth and this chapter is for those fellow seekers.

When I arrived at the ashram I was handed a long list of rules and schedules and that made me want to grab my things and head out onto the dirt road and do it my own way. I have always been adverse to rules and regulations, I carried the title of most rebellious in my graduating class in high school, and I have left many extracurricular activities for this reason as well. I knew then that the cage that I felt I was trapped inside was of my own creation, which didn’t help me in the moment, nor did the fact that I had to keep dredging onward throughout the day. I was fighting myself and it was bloody. I finally unhooked and slept; the next day I was determined to give to myself what I thought I needed and to see things differently, and I did.

This place provides the setting where one can stop and think, question, explore. There is no where to hide, no one to blame, nothing else to do but focus on YOU. Its silent and constant. All of the static melts away and there left is a suggestion, take it or leave it. Will I have the courage to be insecure, to question, to think, to really look at my reflection? Everyday that suggestion is the same.

When I was 15 years old during a mass held in my catholic high school, I looked around me and there were several people who had a peace about them through their faith in the god that I was learning about. And I thought, although I do not believe in their particular outlook, I can still respect that we are all seeking and it doesn’t matter how we climb this mountain just as long as we continue to climb. Nearly 20 years later, across the globe, in a sweaty room crammed full of people from around the world and way too many mosquitos I heard someone say not only the same thing but actually give it volume. He said human beings are greater than religion. That religion should act as the means and not the end. That we should not proclaim any religion if it means that we will only accept that way of thinking and not continue to ask our own questions.

I often speak about evolution as a way to describe the act of moving forward and today this same man so eloquently presented the boundaries within that way of thinking.. Evolution has to do with time and space, and therefor will only evolve within those dimensions and perhaps what we are striving for goes beyond those dimensions, that we could essentially awake from that dream (time and space) to realize the other dimensions in which we can participate within.

I have traveled thousands of miles and climbed hundreds of steps, felt the rich velvety soil between my toes and have carved out a space within my heart that has always existed but was lost amongst the clutter. Ironically I have been helping people deal with their own clutter and reorganizing their lives and making it beautiful, all the while I have been neglecting the most important space of all, my sacred space within my heart, soul and spirit. I am happy to say I have located it, I am still under renovation and will continue to share my process with you. For now, namaste.

Francis