Estranged love, how I have longed for you and yet rationed you, as if to sanction my soul cutting the circulation off in my heart. this is a big layer for me, if not the biggest, learning to love without fear. I have always used the word selfish with reverence, because in its truth, you must give to self firstly before understanding how to give to others. This is how I viewed love and so I did my best at loving myself, but honestly I was also very self critical, which made my love at times conditional.

During the weekdays at the ashram a scholarly humble man holds spiritual discussions amongst his guests, a few days ago he spoke of prayer, he said that prayer, love and life all come together and they are one in the same. He says Prayer is a state of being, It occurs when we receive divinity into our bodies and share it with our brothers and sisters. It doesn’t end. So in essence every day we are alive we are a living prayer.

In the past weeks I have been reacquainting myself with meditation/prayer. I have since recognized the larger presence in the room and in my heart. It is a familiar feeling, there is a sense of ease and enormity at the same time, I have been referring to this as the divine, it is a part of me and yet on its own. This feeling is familiar because it has been with me my entire life, gracefully in the background, patiently watching me grow and evolve. It has provided me with guidance at every turn asking nothing in return. I have now removed the veil from my eyes and have acknowledged this divine sweetness, I feel that this is where my love begins and ends. I have such faith and trust in this love that it will never leave me or hurt me that I can finally let go of the fear. This is the most precious gift that I could have given myself, it brings tears of joy to my baby blues. I feel like I have found my best friend and my soul mate, I will never feel alone again. After coming to this place I found myself thinking where will I find the space fit more love into this little vessel I call my bod? Then I looked to my left and to my right at people whom I have only known for several weeks and I saw the familiar twinkle of divinity in their eyes and it became clear to me that we are put together in this format to help to expand one another. Through the grace of our own essence and our relationship with the divine we expose each other to so many different versions and flavors, tints, tones and shades of this brilliance. We truly are living prayers.

A few nights ago I found myself thinking about the minutia that I am going to return to post pilgrimage and within hours I was covered from head to toe in a rash, after fretting I heard my friend tell me everything was going to be okay, and so I surrendered. I realize that despite my diligent planning skills that all I can do is prepare to let go.

Today after witnessing some of the oldest rituals, coincidently performed by women, I was left feeling faint and as if my body was going to crack due to the spirit that was trying to come out. I was truly ill and silently wishing that we would have to return to the ashram, then I remembered my friend, so I simply asked for a miracle to help me. I let go and a wave of excitement went through me because I was looking forward to my miracle. The next stop we made was to an all girls school. I walked in and flopped myself on the floor and dozens of brown eyes looked up at me, I reached my hands out and before I knew it I was up dancing and sweating and my miracle was unfolding before me. I was completely grounded again and had no trace of illness in my body. Ever since this moment I have had this estranged feeling pumping through my veins, like I could just break out in song and dance at any given moment, what is this… I feel… happy.

I am nearing the departure date from the ashram and as I reflect on this place I realize that we will always be connected because it provided me the space and time to reconstruct the other half of my soul. While I walked the dirt paths here I created heartfelt pathways of my own toward my sacred truth. It has been the physical constant construct for me while I was under spiritual renovation. I know that I have laid the foundation from which I will continue to build upon, and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I am on solid ground. Thank you Shantiivanam, Brother Martin, Russil and Asha Paul for your kindness and genuine care and attention for igniting this spiritual revolution in not just me but anyone who is searching. Namaste.

Frank